The Simple Truth Bomb That Will Change Your Life from Michael Alan Singer’s The Untethered Soul

The Untethered Soul by Michael Alan Singer is honestly one of the most mind boggling pieces of literature I’ve ever picked up along the beaten path of the self-help section. It literally blew the roof off the way in which I’ve always thought about myself/others/happiness/sadness/etc., and delivered the kind of simple yet heavy-hitting wisdom that leaves you questioning your entire existence. As much as I’d like to talk about every spiritual zinger contained within the book, I’ll stick to discussing the one I found to be the most valuable, useful, and easy to apply in real life.

The Root of All Suffering is Resistance.

Per Singer, pain and suffering come from our resistance to life events, period. At first blush that might not resonate too much because wtf does it even mean, right? He goes on to explain how everyone automatically has expectations for certain areas of their lives - we all likely expect to remain with our husbands, wives, boyfriends, or girlfriends unless we decide otherwise, for example. We expect certain people to live a certain number of years depending on their age and vitality. We expect to keep the job we have for the foreseeable future unless we’re the ones who choose to make a change. Without exception, we all make assumptions about how things will unfold in at least one area of our lives and are usually hit with a curveball or two we never saw coming. A breakup or divorce that came out of left field, the unexpected death of someone you thought you had more time, company layoffs nobody saw coming. Whatever the case, we expect positive outcome A but are met with negative outcome B, and then we lose our f*cking minds because we feel on a deep level that ‘this isn’t how it’s supposed to be’.

Put another way, we resist. ((hand gestures mini explosion around head.))

Let go of expectations

Allow me to illustrate this in a way that might make more sense with an example of resistance from my own life. I dated a guy named Keith for the better part of ~5 years (using his real name because karma bb). I was head-over-heels in love with Keith, but due to him having the relative maturity of a baby goat, he was a cheater and we ultimately broke up because of it. Even though our relationship up to that point had been unhealthy AF and usually served to hurt me more than make me happy, I couldn’t bear the idea of not being together. Probably due to the gaping hole I had in the spot where my self-respect was supposed to be, I agonized for literal years over being a part and tried to get back together an embarrassing number of times. I stewed day and night over where he was, who he was with, what he was doing, why he didn’t love me, why he didn’t want me, what was wrong with me, and what I needed to change about myself to be loved the way I so desperately wanted to be. All in all it was a fairly shit period in my life, marked by nonstop crying, ruminating, desperation, jealousy, idealization, helplessness, rage – you name it. I was resisting the end of my relationship with every fiber of my being and spent three years in total suffering the consequences.

The importance of remaining present

Looking at this through the lens of the untethered soul, Keith and I broke up on a specific day through a specific conversation that lasted about 20 minutes. After that conversation ended, the breakup became an event within my personal past and his. It was done, over. No longer a thing. But because of my refusal to accept it as my new reality reality and obsession with changing that outcome, I mentally re-played it ad infinitum and kept it alive in the present.

Here’s the main thing to understand here: All that there was back then, and all that there is right now, is the present moment. For me, for you, for everyone – there are no exclusions. Right now, in my universe there is just me typing these words on my laptop trying think through how I want to articulate myself while my dog sleeps on the couch and Netflix plays in the background. There nothing else. There’s not what happened a moment ago, there’s not what will happen a moment from now. There’s not the fight I just had with my mom or the amazon gift card I just found in my desk. There is only right here, and right now. 

When we live in a state of presence and keep our minds entirely grounded in the right here and right now, it’s virtually impossible to suffer psychologically or emotionally. Unless we are in the midst of going through something right now - as in literally in this very moment - any mental or emotional suffering we experience is due to our decision to either revisit hurtful memories, tear open old wounds, or keep them from scabbing over in the first place. Whether it’s losing your boyfriend, your job, or your life savings – the life events that really rock our worlds usually take up a very short period of actual time. They are painful when they happen and, depending on the gravity of the situation, will usually continue to be so for a period afterward. But after a certain amount of time has passed, the energy we lose to these situations is only lost in our resistance to accepting what is now our new reality.

Accept every outcome as if you handpicked it

In my mind, there is no greater piece of advice nor gem of wisdom than the suggestion to ‘accept every outcome as if you handpicked it.' Think about that for second and let it sink in. I mean, can you imagine how much easier all our lives would be if we lived by this one directive across the board? Accepting my breakup with Keith as if I’d chosen it willingly would’ve meant knowing it over and letting that outcome be exactly what it was. It would’ve meant not trying to figure out why it happened to how to turn it around. It would’ve meant leaving it alone. And it would’ve meant not wasting three years’ worth of present moments trying to stop something from happening that had already happened. That’s the craziest part about all of this – we stew over these things that happen to us when we usually can’t do anything to change the outcomes we’re facing. What an utter waste of your precious time and energy.

Instead of resisting the breakup, the divorce, the layoff, or the goose egg of a life savings account with every fiber of your being, accept it (I realize this is not like flipping a switch and don’t mean to minimize these experiences). Understand that you can’t change what happened and go with the flow instead of keeping yourself in a perpetual loop of anger, misery, and disappointment. Does it suck? Absolutely. Are you allowed to be angry? Of course - and you should let that anger out in whatever productive way you can. Being pissed at the universe for screwing with the plans you had for yourself is normal and expected. Of course you didn’t ask for whatever circumstances you’re now in the midst of. Of course you’re angry and wondering why the hell this is happening to you. I’m not trying to say you should be a ray of positivity in the face of challenges nor that you should ignore or push down your feelings of anger, hurt, or sadness. You need to let that shit out when you feel it because it’s physically toxic to your body to hold it in. All I’m saying here is that once you get it all out, do what you can to help yourself adjust course and move on in a positive direction by accepting this new reality as if you’d chosen it. Not because you’re happy about it or because you wanted it, but because you owe it to yourself to make the best of out a crappy situation and find happiness again however you can. 

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Undesirable and unexpected life events are going to happen, and when they do, it’s natural to cry and scream and curse the powers that be for doing this to you. For putting you through this hell. For removing this person from your life. For bringing you into this situation. But if you can try to let those events flow through you and accept this new outcome as if you’d chosen it yourself, it won’t be as bad. Rather than damming up every energy channel within your body by resisting the events of your life with gusto, let it flow baby - because that’s where the real gold is. Remove your expectations for how you think your life should play out, accept any undesirable outcomes as if you’d picked them yourself, and then remain entirely present for, and engaged with, what you’re doing in the right here, and right now.

All of this is obviously MUCH easier said than done, particularly when it comes to highly emotional situations involving death, loss, and betrayal. But if you can try – little by little, day by day – to let go of how you wanted things to be, accept how they actually are, and ground yourself in the present moment, effectively coping with BS becomes a lot less difficult - making life a lot more pleasant, happy, and meaningful.

Cheers to going with the flow, wherever the flow takes you (unless it’s to your ex’s house). 

All my love.