All human beings have emotional needs that can and should be met within the context of romantic relationships. These needs include things like emotional connection and companionship, intimacy, empathy, support, affection, respect, and trust - you know, the soulmate fundamentals. On the flipside, we also have other elemental needs that must be met through ourselves in order to show up fully for our partners. These include things like our sense of self-worth, confidence, and esteem, as well as feelings of validation, wholeness, and overall good enough-ness. I’ll be collectively referring to this latter group as either ‘self-love’ or ‘the self-needs’ for simplicity’s sake.

Deep down, a large percentage of us don’t truly love, accept, approve of, or value ourselves, so we enter into relationships unconsciously expecting our partners to fill these voids for us. Unfortunately, it’s impossible for anyone else to entirely fulfill you in this way (especially long-term), meaning no matter how much your partners give, it will never feel like enough and you’ll become a black hole for energy, attention, and love. 

I recently realized this type of dysfunction had been operating in the majority of my previous romantic relationships on one or both sides, and that it sometimes still rears its ugly head without me even noticing.

I’ve always been picky AF in my love life, and I assumed this level of selectivity was the reason behind my being perpetually single or involved in ‘situationships’ where I was halfway in, halfway out, and unable to fully commit. TURNS OUT…the real culprit was the fact that, until about a year ago, I didn’t actually love myself and was therefore relying entirely on my partners (or potential partners) to feel whole, loved, accepted, validated, and worthy. I needed and expected a constant supply of attention and validation from my partners in order to feel okay, and this powerful drive to feel wanted always resulted in one of four outcomes:

A: My partner was unable to meet my virtually unmeetable needs (weird!), which would then kick what I thought was my ‘selectivity’ into overdrive and cause me to ultimately call things off, genuinely believe my standards were totally reasonable and the person in question simply couldn’t meet them.

B: I realized the partner in question actually wasn’t match for me at all, but because of my tendency toward dating potential and because the validation I derived from their attention felt so good, I ignored it. And thus created a breeding ground for toxic ambivalence and the inability to fully commit.

C: My extreme reliance on validation gave off some serious despy vibes and repelled the partner in question far more than it attracted them. This would then create a good bit of emotional distance that further intensify my already desperate need for validation, causing me to cling tighter, expect more, get angrier when it wasn’t provided.

D: I suffocated the partner in question with my neediness, emotional demands, and high expectations, collectively leading to the demise of the relationship.

After making some serious strides in filling a number of emotional voids within myself, I now understand my previously very low levels of self-love were at the helm of nearly every relationship I had. This lack of self-love is what caused me to date people who were totally incompatible, drive myself insane trying to force behavior I couldn’t elicit, or drive my partner(s) insane doing the same. In hindsight, I bulldozed several of what could’ve been really healthy partnerships because my perception was warped and I didn’t know any better. And I’d bet the same is true for so many others beyond just me.

I wanted to write this blog because I think this issue of looking for wholeness in another is at play within so many relationships, but, because it operates mostly under the radar, those engaging in the dysfunction remain blissful unaware. Therefore, if I can shed even a little bit of light for others on the signposts they’re dating and relating from a place of emptiness rather than wholeness, I want to do that - because there are a lot of mistakes I wouldn’t have made had someone done the same for me.

This blog as a whole was a DOOZY with a lot to unpack, so I split it into two separate blogs because nobody wants to read a novel. So. Read on for the first three of six ways a lack of self-love can manifest itself and show up behaviorally for you either during the dating process itself, or at the start of/in the midst of a new romantic relationship.

You seem to attract partners who treat you like sh*t.

When you approach dating or relationships from a place of urgency to feel fulfilled, you put out some really heavy vibes of desperation that others can quickly pickup on. And not only can they sense that shit, but they’ll treat you differently because of it. Through the eyes of another, desperation = lack of self-respect, and if you don’t respect yourself, you can’t expect anyone else to respect you either. Partners or potential partners will think they can treat you however they want because they can sense you’re desperate enough to take it. And while this can be - but definitely isn’t always - a recipe for straight up emotional or physical abuse, it is typically a reliable recipe for indifference, apathy, and boundary pushing – especially in the early stages of relationship. The person you’re with or in pursuit of will come to realize they can experience all the bennies of being with you with minimal effort, so they likely won’t try that hard to be your equal because, well, they don’t have to.

Ask yourself: Do you almost exclusively attract either straight up douche bags or bat shit crazy chicks that manipulate you? If so, there’s a chance you may be looking to derive your sense of worthiness from others, rather than from yourself.

…And you tolerate their poor treatment even when you don’t want to

When you’re hopelessly in search of, or hooked on, the happy hormones that come with receiving attention and validation form another, you’ll also be at risk of accepting a whole bunch of questionable behavior. As human beings we’re basically all low-key (or high-key) hedonists, hardwired to do whatever feels the best in the moment. And that’s what staying in, or walking away from, a toxic relationship really comes down to: a cost-benefit analysis of what’s going to feel best. This process in and of itself is pretty standard for everyone - you meet someone, you go on a few dates, and you decide if you like them enough to take things to the next level. But if you’re entirely dependent on someone else to make you feel whole, the already addictive nature of romantic relationships will be amplified and your ability to objectively conduct said analysis will be significantly reduced.

Maybe your partner is physically abusive, maybe they’re emotionally unavailable, or maybe they’re just a sh*t boyfriend/girlfriend all around. Whatever the case, fulfilled you would never put up with someone who consistently hurt them, failed to meet their needs, or let them down. Fulfilled you would work up that cost-benefit analysis and see with total clarity that they deserve so much more than settling for BS. But unfulfilled you? They’re not much for logic. They’d work up that same cost-benefit analysis but find themselves less analytically inclined thanks to the gaping emotional void(s) they’re also trying to fill. They’d lean toward overstating the good aspects of the partnership and downplaying the bad, and inevitably let a lot of shit slide they usually wouldn’t due to the overwhelming need to feel fulfilled.

Ask yourself: Do you let the person you’re dating (or trying to date) get away with all kinds of shit you’d usually never stand for? Do you wonder wtf you’re even doing with them on a semi-regular basis? If so, it might be time to learn how to give yourself the love you’re trying find outside yourself first, and then cut ties with a person who, from the sounds of it, doesn’t deserve to be with you anyway.

You feel like you swing the length of the manic-depressive scale on the daily

If you have little to no intrinsic self-worth or self-love, you’ll forever search for it outside of yourself like a drug addict in search of their next high. Maybe the person you’re casually dating compliments you and temporarily satiates your hunger for validation. Maybe your established partner does something nice for you and your feelings of self-worth spike. These are all nice experiences to have no doubt, but the feelings they produce are fleeting and the fall back to neutral once their affects wear off will have you ping ponging between elation and despair. Relying entirely on external sources to feel worthy, loved, valued, and good enough will have you perpetually fighting off the feelings of deflation and sadness that arise when no one’s there to tell you you’re amazing. While the moments of despair could work to your benefit if you’re a guileless creative, the swings between the two extremes will eventually be to the detriment of both your own emotional wellbeing and the relationships with those whom you surround yourself. You’ll be an emotional puppet at the mercy of everything external and constantly fluctuate between blissful happiness when you’re validated, and heavy Eeyore vibes when you’re not.

Ask yourself: Do you find your mood is mostly (if not entirely) dependent on whether your partner or person of interest has complimented you? Validated you? Boosted your ego? Do you find yourself wilting whenever they fail to pay attention to you for a period of time but feeling energized and excited when they do? Are your emotions and moods erratic and dependent on your interactions?

If the answer is yes to one or more of these questions, that’s another good indicator you don’t have an inner sense of wholeness, worthiness or value and have instead tasked a partner or similar person of interest with the job of making you feel those things instead.

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WHEW. That does it for part 1! Click here to read Pouring from an Empty Cup Part 2 - but also take some time to let what you just read marinate for a bit, yeah?

All my love.